I can't decide

Lately, after work, when I'm tired, I watch the show Fixer Upper on Netflix.

I watch them tear out walls and redo kitchen and it looks so darn easy.

Then I imagine my house with new wood floors and a wonderful kitchen.

I picture a more "open concept"

(seriously, that's what everyone wants apparently)

I wonder if this wall or that wall should have shiplap.

I look at headboards and lovely bedding for my master bedroom.

I become discontent.

Other times, I think about how my kitchen works just fine as it is.

I realize that we like having some rooms that aren't all open to each other so we can have some alone time if we want it.

I think about how much work it would actually be to tear out tile and put in wood floors.

(Because Chip and Joanna Gaines aren't coming to Utah to redo my house anytime soon so I would have to do that myself)

I know that the quilt made by my aunt for us as a wedding gift that we still use on our bed is actually just the perfect size and is worn in enough to be super soft and comfy.  It doesn't matter that it was made in the 1980's and is now completely and utterly out of style.

I like to think of myself as a content person

I am a frugal do-it-myselfer

I can and garden

(ok, that's a lie.  I mostly watch my husband garden...but I do pick the veggies)

I like to recycle and I use my dryer lint to make fire starters for pete's sake!

I'm a "make do" person.

Aren't I?

I can't decide.

One day I am needy and want changes now.

The next day I am realistic and know that none of this stuff matters.

I encourage my husband as he buys solar panels on KSL and puts them on the roof by himself.

I nod and agree when he says he wants to make things more earthquake proof.

I buy chicken in bulk and can it at home.

I try to think of new and interesting ways to preserve our mountains of tomatoes every year.

I also whine about the ugly carpet in my living room.

I wonder why the man who lived here before felt the need to install 37 different light fixtures in every room.

I imagine gutting the kids bathroom.

I either want to be a rugged pioneer/tree hugger type who is tough and doesn't care about aesthetics.

Who makes her own jerky and never uses the microwave.

or

I want to be a girl who gets whatever she wants and lives in an adorable bungalow with pinterest worthy (but not fattening) snacks on a cute cake stand in my fantastic new white kitchen with a farmhouse sink.

I just can't decide.