Donna Rae Larson Davidson

Yesterday we got word that my mom passed away at 9:45 am at Ashton Gardens Assisted Living in Mesa, Arizona.

I'm glad I went and visited last month...

It was hard to see her that way but did, in the end, give me a bit of a sense of closure. It also helped for me to see that she was getting good and kind care. Nurse Naomi was a blessing.

When I think about my mom lately, the main thing I think about it how badly I hope that her fate is not my fate. But after I heard about her passing I was able to think more about the person she truly is and was throughout her life.  I felt an unexpected sadness.  I mean, I had been actively praying to Heavenly Father to release her from this trial...and yet, when she was finally released, it was sad to think that she's actually, physically gone.

My mom was a strong woman. She had a lot of trials but she just did what she had to do to get through it and make it work.  From the time I was pretty young, she worked full time and was the primary bread-winner of our family. Sometimes she caught grief for this, as back in the day it wasn't cool to work full time and have 7 kids (later it would be 8 kids!), and she was judged for it. But these judgers didn't know our family situation and how she was doing what had to be done. It wasn't her heart's desire to be a working woman but she made it work and I was always proud of her for it.  When we were young, she worked swing or night shift so she was home with us in the daytime. That had to have been very hard! As we grew and left the house, she embraced her role as a nurse executive and became a well known and respected person in her field.  She just knew how to bloom where she was planted.

My mom was funny and willing to laugh and smile a lot. My mom had a really great smile and laugh.

I always loved the way she sung the hymns at church, with gusto and love and reverence. I remember as a kid wanting to have all the hymns memorized, the way it seemed like my mom did.

She was a busy executive nurse for many years but I always knew she would be there for me if I needed her.  She was a good listening ear and always knew the right thing to say when I was worried about something going on with my kids, especially all the ailments that young kids get.  I would just pick up the phone and my mom knew the answer. I could also always call with a sewing or cooking question. I knew my mom had lots of "mom wisdom".

She was super talented in many areas. Painting, cake decorating, nursing, being a boss and mentor, baking amazing rolls and cinnamon rolls, sewing, cooking, cleaning, being patient, loving unconditionally and more.

She had so much dedication and self control. She got up super early to exercise before her work day began. She ran or walked 2+ miles a day well into her fight with Alzheimer's disease...it was just such a part of who she was to exercise everyday that even when other abilities were leaving her, she just kept hitting the treadmill. She hiked Mt. Timpanogos at 62 and competed in a triathlon at 69!

All of us kids talk about how we would wake up to new outfits each Easter Sunday that Mom had somehow made for us when we weren't looking.  It was amazing. She always made us whatever kind of birthday cake we wanted. We always had the fanciest, most delicious cakes. Christmas was always amazing though I know my parents struggled financially.  Sunday dinner was legendary.

She made my wedding cake and sewed my veil and several bridesmaid dresses. She gave her time willingly. Though she worked full-time when my kids were little, she tried to visit when she could.

When my second son was born, he was extremely colicky. We lived with her for nearly 2 months and she would take shifts during the night to help care for him so I could get some sleep...and she still had to get up and go to work all day the next day! She never complained about any of it. It's like it was a joy for her to help me. She must have been exhausted though!

She knew how to let things go that were not important (well, except maybe Saturday house cleaning). But the things that were important-like family and the Gospel of Jesus Christ-were always first.  She played the mormon tabernacle choir in the mornings on Sundays. We went to every church service and activity that there was and I never heard her grumble or complain, though she must have been tired sometimes and wanted to stay home. Family dinner on Sunday was always important to her and our house was the hub of friends and family.  Our table was always full and always had room for more.

Her family was her joy. 

She retired from her job when she realized that she needed to care for her mother. She and my Dad moved in with Grandma and cared for her in her own home until she died. She was always grateful that she had the opportunity to do this service for her mother. 

She lost her oldest son to Leukemia which was a sore trial for her but it did not test her faith. She was faithful and believing all the days of her life.  She never stopped thinking about and missing Darryl though. We all take joy in the thought that they now get some time together without the rest of us in the way.

I'm not saying she was perfect, she wasn't. None of us are after all.  She got stressed out and impatient with us at times. She yelled sometimes. Admittedly, it was rare though and we liked to push her buttons. When she was working full time and being a mom and keeping a house, things fell through the cracks. I sometimes felt like I was one of those things. Of course, looking back, I see that I could have helped more so she would have time to do fun things with me. But I was a selfish teenager and didn't see that at the time.  Even as a grouchy teen, I was super proud of my mom and the woman that she was.

She loved to shop. She loved beautiful shoes. She loved nice clothing that looked professional. She didn't like to get her hair wet or messed up. She was modest. When she would express disappointment in something I did (or didn't do) it was the worst feeling in the world to me. I always wanted to make her proud of me.  She used to mail me $20 every now and then at college even though things were very tight for them at that time and they were in the middle of fighting Darryl's illness. I knew she was trying to be there for me even when her plate was very full.

I feel so blessed that she was my mom. She was such an example of so many things. If I can be half as good and patient and kind and talented and righteous, I'll be ok.

I miss her and I've missed her for many years now. I am so glad she has been released from the torture of dementia. It really seemed like such a rip off for someone as smart and kind as her to get this awful disease. But it's a rip off for anyone to get it.

It's hard to write a "final" post about my mom. It feels inadequate to express the woman that she was. I could write pages and pages about her.

Mom, I love you!  I know I will see you again and it will be a joyful reunion!

Unplanned

Today we had planned to go Axe throwing with Carter and Harley who were coming down from Logan and SLC respectively.  Other than that we didn't have any plans or know what they had going on. Her family lives close by so we often just get to see them for a part of the day and then they spend time with her family. Makes sense.
Today, it turns out, her family was out of town so we had them here for basically the whole day!
We went axe throwing. (Harley's first time) We always have a good time axe throwing. We played a game and in the end it was between Harley and Frank. Frank won in the end but it was fun watching Harley give him a run for his money.

We went out to lunch together.
We played Hearts..a family favorite. We are still trying to convert Harley but she was a good sport. I lost big time.  Frank won, as usual, though I hate to admit it.  He gets cocky about all of his winning.
Then we went out and played some frisbee golf.  Again, I lost (Harley and I were both behind Carter and Frank).  I'm terrible at frisbee golf but still find it fun. I didn't wear the right shoes and had to do a little hiking on uneven and treacherous ground. My balance is not what it once was since my surgery so I get more nervous about falling.

We had intended to get a picture together but only managed to get this one. (Carter was having fun but gets a kick out of making mad faces for pictures...I warned Harley, yet again, that this is her future! HA!)

They just left a few minutes ago since Carter plans to drive all the way back to Logan tonight. I had a fun day just hanging out with them. I hope they did too.

I always feel a bit melancholy after spending time with my boys. I miss having them around and when they leave again, it makes me sad.

Work

We recently had some changes take place at work. We added a provider to the practice.
I told one of my friends that I was actually looking forward to the challenge that this would provide.
I would learn new things and it would be fun!
I take it back.
That is all.

cooking...

The first part of this post is an excerpt of an email I sent my kids today:

For some reason we decided we needed to do some dutch oven cooking today. Frank originally wanted to do the whole charcoal briquettes/cooking outdoors thing but in the end (what with the weather and all. And the fact that I was like "no way!") we are just using the oven.  I bought ingredients for beef bourguignon -for some crazy reason- and I made some dutch oven bread. The bread is rising now and will go into the dutch oven in about an hour so if it turns out, I’ll send a picture!

Beef Bourguignon is sort of like a beef stew with a red wine sauce. I love a good wine sauce so I even ventured to the liquor store for the actual type of wine that the recipe called for.  I know nothing about wine, obviously, but found a bottle that had the same name listed in the recipe-- and it was even on sale! (4.99 so I’m assuming it’s not a stellar bottle of wine that I bought) ha!

Then today as I was putting the recipe together I realized that I do not own a corkscrew to open this bottle!  I was thinking that maybe Frank had some sort of multi-tool contraption that maybe would have one but even after searching the garage I couldn’t find one. He wasn't home so I just had to figure it out on my own...

I turned to google of course. There were a few options there so I tried the first one listed which was to basically stick a serrated knife into the cork and twist.  This felt like it might work at first but then it started to shred the cork, which seemed like a bad outcome. 

The second option was to push the cork into the bottle. Which, in hindsight, I should have just done first before the cork got all shredded. But I was feeling desperate so I gave it a shove with the end of a spoon. It did go into the bottle but the wine also shot up and out with a fair amount of force.  I might have drops of red wine on my kitchen ceiling now…I definitely had it on my face, arms, hands, countertop and floor.
(A day later I discovered the front of one of my cabinets covered in wine. It wasn't anywhere near where I was working so I didn't think to look there for damage. Oh boy...I might still find a few surprises I'm thinking)

Right after this happened I realized I was about to be late for a meeting at church so I quickly rinsed off and ran out the door. As I sat in the chair at church I definitely got a whiff of wine coming off of me. Hopefully no one noticed! hahaha

In any event, I got the wine out of the bottle and into my stew. I did have to pour it through some cheese cloth though since I didn’t want cork pieces in my stew. 

Cooking is always an adventure when I am involved. 

The stew has about an hour left at this point and it smells divine. Hopefully it tastes as good as it smells.

It was so tasty!

_____

I also made dutch oven bread. It's a no knead bread and it rises for 18-24 hours. It turned out beautiful and tastes amazing. I might have to make it all the time!

_____

I was out running errands and stopped at a little boutique near my house. I saw these amazing looking cookies by the checkout and found out they were chocolate chip coconut cookies! Why didn't I ever think of that combo? Anyway I bought them for a dessert surprise. But I ended up being the one surprised when they had pecans in them!  I was so sad! So Frank got to eat two cookies for dessert while I sulked.

I felt deprived for like two days afterwards until I just up and made some myself!  They are quite tasty.

Addiction

I'm including a video here that most people have probably seen. It talks about Millenials in the work place and I think he has a lot of valid points (though I hate to think that I was a bad parent since all my kids fall into the "millennial" category and therefore I fall into the bad parent of millennials category).  But when he talks about the effects of social media and the constant access to phones, I feel that it isn't just the young people he's talking about. I see a lot of that in myself as well. I think, perhaps, I am addicted to my phone.  I have trouble putting it away. I look at it more than I should and even when there is NOTHING to see, I just keep scrolling scrolling scrolling.
Frank and I don't really look at our phones when we go out to eat unless we are discussing plans and need to look at maps or google something so we are doing ok there.  I think I try to be intentional with my phone in public or at work.  But there are still LOTS of times when I am acting like an addict.

I've been pondering this whole blog situation and why I don't feel drawn to write like I used to. Why don't ideas pop into my head like they did in the past?  And I think some of it has to do with the fact that I am always being inundated with information...news, facebook, instagram, audio books, blogs etc etc etc!  I almost always have something playing when I'm working around the house or cooking or driving.  I don't think that was the case in the past. I used to have quiet time more than I do now.

We encourage our young people to make sure to have quiet moments so that they can feel God's spirit in their lives.  And I haven't been heeding that advice.  I'm missing not only God's spirit but also just my old creative self.

And so, I am reevaluating my relationship with my phone today.  Also my obsession with the news.  I know it is not healthy for me.

I can't decide if it is ok for me to go to work without my phone at all. I know we used to survive without a phone all the time, but if I get a text that is important and don't see it until after work, that seems bad. But, again, what is "important" in this scenario.  We are all so used to instant responses!

For now, I think I will use the screen time app to limit my phone use and see how that goes.
Wish me luck because I might be twitchy for a few days...

Why

I'm not sure why I have not been blogging. Work is definitely part of it. I'm tired at the end of the day and I try to accomplish ALL THE THINGS on my day off so I haven't been making time for it.
I also feel like I'm having a harder time putting things into words.
I used to really enjoy the act of putting things into words.
Currently, not so much.
Probably part of that is just getting the practice!
I have a friend who blogs on a schedule, twice a week I think. Maybe if I gave myself a deadline of sorts, I would find it in me to put words out there. To document my life.
Obviously I'm not quite to the point of committing to that! ha!
I do want to write about my trip to Wales. It was over a year in planning so I should definitely document it.

I'll be back.

Soon.

...

Goals 2019

I put my yearly goals on my phone so that I wouldn't just forget about them this year (like I have the last 3 or so years) and I admit, it keeps them more on the forefront of my mind. However, it hasn't yet caused me to actually DO much about it.
It's mid July and I have not accomplished any of my goals.
DOH!

There are a couple that I have definitely been working on so that's better than nothing. Though some of them have been half hearted at best.
There are a couple that I have been avoiding even though I think about them. So that's no bueno.
Should probably do some soul searching on those.

I did save the money I had said I would save but now I'm spending it on a trip to Wales so not sure that counts. I had actually wanted to SAVE the money, you know, like in a bank account.  I can still work on that.

Haven't born my testimony at church at all (had a goal to do that twice)...I hate public crying. gah.

Foot surgery derailed the Larson Cup goal. I am back to working out though so at least I'm headed in the right direction there. Hopefully my body realizes it soon too. :-/
It doesn't feel that long ago that I was actually athletic and here I am now feeling oh-so-middle-aged and frumpy.  This too shall pass. Or not. Whatever...I'll deal with it.

I guess it's time to re-commit to 2019!