I got a text from Carter up at college asking a few questions about Frank's time fighting cancer. Turns out he's writing a paper and it involves that time of our lives. It made me kind of...nostalgic (which isn't quite the right word). But it caused me to go back and read all of the announcements I put up on the Leukemia/Lymphoma society page that we used for keeping people in the loop during that time. I also ended up reading all of my blog posts from 2012, the year Frank fought cancer.
Even though I was pretty honest in my updates, I certainly tried to keep a positive outlook most of the time. I tried to keep my sense of humor and my sense of gratitude. Several times tonight I have found myself all choked up as I thought about how hard it all was. But no matter how hard it was, the important thing is that he lived! He lived and has minor side effects in the scheme of things. He is doing great now.
Amazingly I have forgotten some of it. Like childbirth I guess...you forget some of the hard stuff so that you can survive it. But reading those entries and emails kind of brought it back.
I have guilt that I wasn't all that my kids needed during that time. I have guilt that we have gone back to our old ways of not truly appreciating our lives or each other.
But I am also proud of us for surviving it and being there for each other through it. We did it imperfectly for sure but we did it.
And all I can do now is continue to do whatever I need to do, imperfectly.
I'm glad I have those emails and blog posts and memories though. It reminded me of why I blog.
And even though my life now is kind of boring, I will document what I can because it matters. I matter. My family matters. My experiences matter.
No comments:
Post a Comment