I got a text from Carter up at college asking a few questions about Frank's time fighting cancer. Turns out he's writing a paper and it involves that time of our lives. It made me kind of...nostalgic (which isn't quite the right word). But it caused me to go back and read all of the announcements I put up on the Leukemia/Lymphoma society page that we used for keeping people in the loop during that time. I also ended up reading all of my blog posts from 2012, the year Frank fought cancer.
Even though I was pretty honest in my updates, I certainly tried to keep a positive outlook most of the time. I tried to keep my sense of humor and my sense of gratitude. Several times tonight I have found myself all choked up as I thought about how hard it all was. But no matter how hard it was, the important thing is that he lived! He lived and has minor side effects in the scheme of things. He is doing great now.
Amazingly I have forgotten some of it. Like childbirth I guess...you forget some of the hard stuff so that you can survive it. But reading those entries and emails kind of brought it back.
I have guilt that I wasn't all that my kids needed during that time. I have guilt that we have gone back to our old ways of not truly appreciating our lives or each other.
But I am also proud of us for surviving it and being there for each other through it. We did it imperfectly for sure but we did it.
And all I can do now is continue to do whatever I need to do, imperfectly.
I'm glad I have those emails and blog posts and memories though. It reminded me of why I blog.
And even though my life now is kind of boring, I will document what I can because it matters. I matter. My family matters. My experiences matter.
Wednesday, January 23, 2019
Sunday, January 20, 2019
The pantry
Well, the pantry is done! At least as done as is humanly possible at the moment. We decided to go ahead and put the same hardwood floor in the pantry as we are putting in the front room. We ordered said floors back in November maybe or early December only to find out that they were backordered. Gah.
So we have to wait till those come in before we can really truly finish the pantry.
Once the floors are in we will move the freezer and refrigerator from the garage into the house. Our refrigerator has a tough time in the winter so we are hoping it will function better in a warmer environment.
We found out this weekend that the floor *should* be in this Thursday. We have to get them to the house somehow and then let them acclimate for however long that takes. Apparently they've been shipped from out of state so it might take like a month to acclimate. That will be a tough wait.
This project took way longer than we originally anticipated. And I know that everyone says things like this take longer than promised but it was truly painful at times just waiting or coming home from work to look and see what had been done only to find that nothing had changed.
We are do-it-yourselfers most of the time. But doing it yourself can take forever when you only have evenings and weekends (and you are tired in the evening). So for this project we decided to hire out. There were days when Frank just wanted to finish it himself because he was so tired of the waiting.
Now that it's done it's easy to say that it was worth it...it is done. But, man, there were some frustrating days. And I'm a perfectionist (as we all know) so leaving things in someone else's hands can be nerve wracking for someone like me.
Ever since the tile project in the hall bathroom, I have been noticing the work done in stores, restaurants and other people's homes...all by "professionals". None of it is perfect. I have to realize that perfection is not possible. We just all do the best we can.
Anyway, here is the before, during and after of the pantry project!
So we have to wait till those come in before we can really truly finish the pantry.
Once the floors are in we will move the freezer and refrigerator from the garage into the house. Our refrigerator has a tough time in the winter so we are hoping it will function better in a warmer environment.
We found out this weekend that the floor *should* be in this Thursday. We have to get them to the house somehow and then let them acclimate for however long that takes. Apparently they've been shipped from out of state so it might take like a month to acclimate. That will be a tough wait.
This project took way longer than we originally anticipated. And I know that everyone says things like this take longer than promised but it was truly painful at times just waiting or coming home from work to look and see what had been done only to find that nothing had changed.
We are do-it-yourselfers most of the time. But doing it yourself can take forever when you only have evenings and weekends (and you are tired in the evening). So for this project we decided to hire out. There were days when Frank just wanted to finish it himself because he was so tired of the waiting.
Now that it's done it's easy to say that it was worth it...it is done. But, man, there were some frustrating days. And I'm a perfectionist (as we all know) so leaving things in someone else's hands can be nerve wracking for someone like me.
Ever since the tile project in the hall bathroom, I have been noticing the work done in stores, restaurants and other people's homes...all by "professionals". None of it is perfect. I have to realize that perfection is not possible. We just all do the best we can.
Anyway, here is the before, during and after of the pantry project!
Living room before:
Notice the small dining area and area where wall juts out inside dining area-that is the current pantry
View from kitchen side:
Left door goes into dining room
Right side door is current pantry
First step was to wall in the room. It was kind of scary to imagine this room closed off and I worried I wouldn't like it. Once it was walled off, I realized that I would often stand at the kitchen island and look through the dining room and out the front window. That view is gone.
Breaking out the old pantry.
Walling up the old pantry door
Old pantry is gone
Here is the front room side of things with the wall in. I was kind of nervous that it would be obvious that we closed it off even after painting...
Doorway to the pantry is done.
Aaaand...it is off center. It was centered on the wall from the inside of the pantry but from the outside is was slightly off to the right. I told myself for about an hour that this would be fine. And then I got real and emailed the contractor. He fixed it the next day. He was hoping Frank would be on his side but when he mentioned that I wanted it changed, Frank was like "Listen, if it is bugging her now it will only bug her more as time goes on. And I don't want to live with her being annoyed by her new pantry. If she wants it fixed, lets fix it." Good man.
Whew!
Putting in can lights and mudding drywall.
What a mess my house was for so long!
I did all the painting so the second he said it was ready, I had that whole room painted! I emailed to say that it was done and ready for him to bring in the shelves. Ha! I think he was shocked.
Bottom shelving has arrived!
Top shelving
Doors put in and painted! We had a gaping hole for so long that this was a nice day.
Top shelving, countertop and shelves installed. Crown moulding. Looks so purty.
I knew that this (above picture) stage was the prettiest it would ever be. Once I load all my crap, it would look like your average messy (if big) pantry. I did decide to get some new baskets rather than the mismatched plastic bins I had in my old pantry. I also bought some cute labels for my flour, sugar etc. They were already in clear containers in my old pantry.
The Finished product:
The front room. I'm happy with the wall...I just need to add a picture or something.
I spend a fair amount of time in this room. This is where I decompress after work for a few minutes or where I read. Notice the new house plant in the corner! It's still alive after two whole weeks so I'm pretty impressed with myself.
Entry to pantry.
Looks great. The moulding around the doors is slightly different than the rest of our moulding...but I didn't notice until it was all installed and painted.
I will try to live with it.
We shall see.
I will definitely leave it until we change the floors in the kitchen which will not be for a long long time since it involves removing tile and also purchasing new flooring.
I gotta save up.
Loaded with stuff.
I have room for food and miscellaneous kitchen gadgets that were all over the house before.
I brought up home canned goods that I didn't have room for before...hoping we will do a better job of eating that stuff with it in plain sight instead of hiding in the basement.
I put the labels on my clear containers which I think are adorable.
I'm going to put them on the baskets too. Soon. Real soon.
This side is where the refrigerator and freezer will go.
Oops, I see a can of paint that I need to put away.
I'm extraordinarily excited about this! Somewhere to put my broom and mop!
yay!
Before, they were shoved in a small closet in the laundry room and every time you opened the door, they would fall out on you. It was not ideal.
I also have a full sized trash can for recyclables which I'm super excited about.
Before, I had a little bin and stuff would stack up and overflow onto the counter in the laundry room until I got frustrated or they were falling on the floor at which point I would take them outside to the recycling bin. Let's hope I'm a little more on the ball with this big trash can.
That's it!
Now...what's next?
Haaa!
Sunday, January 6, 2019
Daily life and other musings
Even though my new job is fewer hours per week, I do still feel like it is mostly what my life is made up of. Does that sentence make sense?
The three full days that I work are very long. Monday, Wednesday and Friday I am at work from 7:45-11:30 approximately (longer on Mondays when we have staff meeting) and then from 1:45 -6:30, sometimes a bit later. So by the time I get home it feels very late, it is dark and I am super tired. No idea why I'm so tired since I don't have a physically demanding job but that's the truth-I am tired! It is not at all uncommon for me to go directly to my bedroom and change into my pjs as soon as I get home. Then I think about dinner or lack thereof and sit in front of the tv if I can get away with it.
Tuesdays I only work from 2:45-6:30 or so. It's a short shift but somehow I always feel like I worked a full day when I leave.
I tend to fill Tuesday morning and all day Thursday with a variety of errands: doctor appointments, dentist appointments, runs to the bank or grocery store or other needed shopping. Physical therapy is currently taking up an hour of each Tuesday and Thursday.
Overall though, I still really like my job. I wish I made more money to be honest but the job itself is fun and relaxing and engaging. I like all of my coworkers. I like my boss.
Still...I wish I had a bit more balance in my life. I don't do any hobbies anymore. I am never creative anymore. I rarely blog (but doing better of late). I don't exercise. I don't cook really...I mean, I make dinner most nights but I don't put any effort or thought into it). I don't read books. I don't go out with friends or family much.
I can't really figure out what it is that I'm doing with the extra time. I used to work 40+ hours a week and now it's 30. That is some significant free time, not counting weekends, that really needs to have some fun/active/creative stuff in it! Of course as I write that sentence, my mind is thinking "just don't make me go out in the cold and do something physical like hike or snow shoe". Hmmm.
So obviously I don't have any specific ideas for what those "fun" things should be, but it's on my mind.
_____
I managed to make my 2 lbs of See's chocolate last a full 12 days. Christmas to today, January 6th. Obviously I'm super proud of myself as I have eaten them long before my birthday in the past. But if I really think about how much candy I ate in a 12 day period I am not as proud. I'm glad they are gone though because I really do plan to eat better starting...very very soon! ha! No, seriously.
_____
The Family is coming over for soup, rolls and birthday cake tonight. The house is all clean. Frank made homemade noodles to go with the homemade turkey broth soup that I made (super excited for that). Hopefully it will be a fun night! I like my family.
The three full days that I work are very long. Monday, Wednesday and Friday I am at work from 7:45-11:30 approximately (longer on Mondays when we have staff meeting) and then from 1:45 -6:30, sometimes a bit later. So by the time I get home it feels very late, it is dark and I am super tired. No idea why I'm so tired since I don't have a physically demanding job but that's the truth-I am tired! It is not at all uncommon for me to go directly to my bedroom and change into my pjs as soon as I get home. Then I think about dinner or lack thereof and sit in front of the tv if I can get away with it.
Tuesdays I only work from 2:45-6:30 or so. It's a short shift but somehow I always feel like I worked a full day when I leave.
I tend to fill Tuesday morning and all day Thursday with a variety of errands: doctor appointments, dentist appointments, runs to the bank or grocery store or other needed shopping. Physical therapy is currently taking up an hour of each Tuesday and Thursday.
Overall though, I still really like my job. I wish I made more money to be honest but the job itself is fun and relaxing and engaging. I like all of my coworkers. I like my boss.
Still...I wish I had a bit more balance in my life. I don't do any hobbies anymore. I am never creative anymore. I rarely blog (but doing better of late). I don't exercise. I don't cook really...I mean, I make dinner most nights but I don't put any effort or thought into it). I don't read books. I don't go out with friends or family much.
I can't really figure out what it is that I'm doing with the extra time. I used to work 40+ hours a week and now it's 30. That is some significant free time, not counting weekends, that really needs to have some fun/active/creative stuff in it! Of course as I write that sentence, my mind is thinking "just don't make me go out in the cold and do something physical like hike or snow shoe". Hmmm.
So obviously I don't have any specific ideas for what those "fun" things should be, but it's on my mind.
_____
I managed to make my 2 lbs of See's chocolate last a full 12 days. Christmas to today, January 6th. Obviously I'm super proud of myself as I have eaten them long before my birthday in the past. But if I really think about how much candy I ate in a 12 day period I am not as proud. I'm glad they are gone though because I really do plan to eat better starting...very very soon! ha! No, seriously.
_____
The Family is coming over for soup, rolls and birthday cake tonight. The house is all clean. Frank made homemade noodles to go with the homemade turkey broth soup that I made (super excited for that). Hopefully it will be a fun night! I like my family.
Saturday, January 5, 2019
Happy Birthday to me
This is the annual tradition of writing down what I did for my birthday!
I am 52 today, which is kind of unbelievable.
Recently I've had issues with waking up with headaches. We've tried to figure out if it is related to our mattress or to laying flat or what. So in the attempt to figure it out before spending a bunch of money on a new mattress I am spending a week sleeping on our couch which reclines. Thus I am sleeping in a semi reclining position rather than flat.
So it was that I woke up at 4:00 am on the morning of Saturday January 5th with a slight headache and unable to go back to sleep on the couch but didn't want to go to the bed, in case it made the headache worse.
I went into the living room eventually and worked on my Sunday school lesson. It's the first week with my new class this week (14 of them!) and the first week of two hour church.
Once Frank woke up I had some cereal and took a shower.
Diana is here visiting because she brought Andrew down to get him settled in at BYU. She and Andrew left at about 8:15 to take him for orientation.
In the meantime I got a fun marco polo from Austin and Katy wishing me a happy birthday. We also discussed house plants and how I want to get more since I have successfully kept one alive for several years now.
So then I decided to actually go out and find a new houseplant!
Frank and I went to Lowe's and even though I had a long list of potential house plants that are hardy and hard to kill...we ended up buying a plant that is pretty but that I know nothing about. We shall see. One of the main reasons we chose Lowe's was because I could look at plants and also get a new trash can for our recyclables. We totally forgot to get that. Doh! Carter did mock us a little for having a birthday outing to Lowes.
We then went bowling: Carter, Frank, Diana and I. We stunk but it was fun anyway.
Next it was off to Alicia Carter's house (our backyard neighbor) who made me a gorgeous birthday cake.
We picked up the cake and just dropped it off at home so that we could go out for b-day lunch at Texas Roadhouse. We chose to have lunch rather than dinner so that Carter could participate. I had my usual: Fried chicken, salad and baked potato. So yummy. We got a free appetizer too so we ate way too much.
We came home after that so that we could have a piece of cake before Carter had to leave to pick up his roommate at the airport and then head up to Logan for winter semester which starts Monday.
I was too full for cake but managed to eat some anyway. Felt kinda sick after, no surprise.
Now it is 6 pm and we are just sitting on the couch trying to decide what to do next. I already have my pjs on! We could go to a movie or something but it's cold out so I'm feeling undecided.
Diana fell asleep for a "little nap" awhile ago and she is still sleeping...I doubt she meant to sleep this long so hopefully she sleeps ok tonight. ha!
Tomorrow the family will come over for the January birthday celebration-Kari and I are the only local people with January birthdays (perhaps the only ones at all? besides Darryl of course). We'll eat more of the cake as well as soup and rolls. Frank and I are making turkey noodle soup and he is making homemade noodles tonight for it.
I usually hold off on any New Years Resolutions until after my birthday so I've been eating too much and moving too little and enjoying every minute. But I will have to get back on the keto wagon soon and Frank and I have promised to start exercising together.
I was able to finish the Prophet's direction to read the Book Of Mormon by the end of the year. It was a great experience and I plan to start over with marking different areas again. I have some other plans and goals for 2019 but will write another post about that.
Frank just asked me if I wanted to do something else tonight for my birthday and I said I couldn't decide but that I felt like I was being boring. He said "you're a boring person and it's your birthday so you can do what you want." I mean, he's right but I still feel offended.
I am 52 today, which is kind of unbelievable.
Recently I've had issues with waking up with headaches. We've tried to figure out if it is related to our mattress or to laying flat or what. So in the attempt to figure it out before spending a bunch of money on a new mattress I am spending a week sleeping on our couch which reclines. Thus I am sleeping in a semi reclining position rather than flat.
So it was that I woke up at 4:00 am on the morning of Saturday January 5th with a slight headache and unable to go back to sleep on the couch but didn't want to go to the bed, in case it made the headache worse.
I went into the living room eventually and worked on my Sunday school lesson. It's the first week with my new class this week (14 of them!) and the first week of two hour church.
Once Frank woke up I had some cereal and took a shower.
Diana is here visiting because she brought Andrew down to get him settled in at BYU. She and Andrew left at about 8:15 to take him for orientation.
In the meantime I got a fun marco polo from Austin and Katy wishing me a happy birthday. We also discussed house plants and how I want to get more since I have successfully kept one alive for several years now.
So then I decided to actually go out and find a new houseplant!
Frank and I went to Lowe's and even though I had a long list of potential house plants that are hardy and hard to kill...we ended up buying a plant that is pretty but that I know nothing about. We shall see. One of the main reasons we chose Lowe's was because I could look at plants and also get a new trash can for our recyclables. We totally forgot to get that. Doh! Carter did mock us a little for having a birthday outing to Lowes.
We then went bowling: Carter, Frank, Diana and I. We stunk but it was fun anyway.
Next it was off to Alicia Carter's house (our backyard neighbor) who made me a gorgeous birthday cake.
We picked up the cake and just dropped it off at home so that we could go out for b-day lunch at Texas Roadhouse. We chose to have lunch rather than dinner so that Carter could participate. I had my usual: Fried chicken, salad and baked potato. So yummy. We got a free appetizer too so we ate way too much.
We came home after that so that we could have a piece of cake before Carter had to leave to pick up his roommate at the airport and then head up to Logan for winter semester which starts Monday.
I was too full for cake but managed to eat some anyway. Felt kinda sick after, no surprise.
Now it is 6 pm and we are just sitting on the couch trying to decide what to do next. I already have my pjs on! We could go to a movie or something but it's cold out so I'm feeling undecided.
Diana fell asleep for a "little nap" awhile ago and she is still sleeping...I doubt she meant to sleep this long so hopefully she sleeps ok tonight. ha!
Tomorrow the family will come over for the January birthday celebration-Kari and I are the only local people with January birthdays (perhaps the only ones at all? besides Darryl of course). We'll eat more of the cake as well as soup and rolls. Frank and I are making turkey noodle soup and he is making homemade noodles tonight for it.
I usually hold off on any New Years Resolutions until after my birthday so I've been eating too much and moving too little and enjoying every minute. But I will have to get back on the keto wagon soon and Frank and I have promised to start exercising together.
I was able to finish the Prophet's direction to read the Book Of Mormon by the end of the year. It was a great experience and I plan to start over with marking different areas again. I have some other plans and goals for 2019 but will write another post about that.
Frank just asked me if I wanted to do something else tonight for my birthday and I said I couldn't decide but that I felt like I was being boring. He said "you're a boring person and it's your birthday so you can do what you want." I mean, he's right but I still feel offended.
Thursday, January 3, 2019
Introspection
Obviously I haven't blogged much lately. I do have a few vacations and things that I will blog and put them in on the correct dates, when they occurred. So when I print out the book from this year, it will look normal but actually I didn't write about them in a timely fashion and I'm having trouble getting myself to do so now.
I have had some time off work lately with Christmas and now, today, New Year's day and yet I do not take the time to write anything down. I used to have lots of thoughts run through my head about things I wanted to blog about and that just doesn't happen anymore. I have things I know I should write about mainly so that I remember them later.
I'm feeling super lazy and introvert-ish and lacking in motivation lately.
I tend to get this way in the winter so that's not really new I guess.
It's super cold today and we all have the day off...Frank was like "what are we going to do that fun today?" and all I felt was dread. HA! I just want to stay inside! But we are going axe throwing (indoor activity for the win!) so that'll will actually be fun I'm sure. Frank hasn't done something this physical since his shoulder surgery so we'll see how much fun he actually has...or if his shoulder yells at him afterwards.
It's the time of year for a little introspection and goal making. I have a little book that I keep in my Christmas stocking in which I write goals for the next year and then when we put out the stockings at the end of the year, I can see how it went. Up until this year (I have done it maybe 3 years now) I forget that little book exists and I am totally surprised by the goals I set because I wrote them in December and basically never thought of them again. Not great goal setting, I realize.
So this year I wrote a few things down after evaluating how last year went. And then, to be different and hopefully better, I wrote them in my phone as well! So, hey, maybe I'll actually work on them this year.
Here are my goals for 2019. I'm sure I'll have more as the year goes along but this is my starting place:
Bear my testimony at least twice this year in sacrament meeting (I'm sure I'll do it more than that in Sunday School, since I teach)
Go to the temple monthly (minimum of 12 times this year)
Re-read the Book Of Mormon, continuing to underline certain topics that I choose
Exercise Regularly (this one will need some definition but it's a start)
Read Ensign cover to cover each month
Save money (amount to be determined)
Most of them are obviously spiritual goals, which is honestly the most important thing to do. I also want to do better at taking care of my physical body so I will sit down and make some plans in that direction soon.
It's always good to do a little introspection. I tend to end up feeling bad about myself...I am hard on myself in general. So I'm working on that. Introspection without beating myself up.
I have had some time off work lately with Christmas and now, today, New Year's day and yet I do not take the time to write anything down. I used to have lots of thoughts run through my head about things I wanted to blog about and that just doesn't happen anymore. I have things I know I should write about mainly so that I remember them later.
I'm feeling super lazy and introvert-ish and lacking in motivation lately.
I tend to get this way in the winter so that's not really new I guess.
It's super cold today and we all have the day off...Frank was like "what are we going to do that fun today?" and all I felt was dread. HA! I just want to stay inside! But we are going axe throwing (indoor activity for the win!) so that'll will actually be fun I'm sure. Frank hasn't done something this physical since his shoulder surgery so we'll see how much fun he actually has...or if his shoulder yells at him afterwards.
It's the time of year for a little introspection and goal making. I have a little book that I keep in my Christmas stocking in which I write goals for the next year and then when we put out the stockings at the end of the year, I can see how it went. Up until this year (I have done it maybe 3 years now) I forget that little book exists and I am totally surprised by the goals I set because I wrote them in December and basically never thought of them again. Not great goal setting, I realize.
So this year I wrote a few things down after evaluating how last year went. And then, to be different and hopefully better, I wrote them in my phone as well! So, hey, maybe I'll actually work on them this year.
Here are my goals for 2019. I'm sure I'll have more as the year goes along but this is my starting place:
Bear my testimony at least twice this year in sacrament meeting (I'm sure I'll do it more than that in Sunday School, since I teach)
Go to the temple monthly (minimum of 12 times this year)
Re-read the Book Of Mormon, continuing to underline certain topics that I choose
Exercise Regularly (this one will need some definition but it's a start)
Read Ensign cover to cover each month
Save money (amount to be determined)
Most of them are obviously spiritual goals, which is honestly the most important thing to do. I also want to do better at taking care of my physical body so I will sit down and make some plans in that direction soon.
It's always good to do a little introspection. I tend to end up feeling bad about myself...I am hard on myself in general. So I'm working on that. Introspection without beating myself up.
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