Introspection

Obviously I haven't blogged much lately. I do have a few vacations and things that I will blog and put them in on the correct dates, when they occurred. So when I print out the book from this year, it will look normal but actually I didn't write about them in a timely fashion and I'm having trouble getting myself to do so now.
I have had some time off work lately with Christmas and now, today, New Year's day and yet I do not take the time to write anything down. I used to have lots of thoughts run through my head about things I wanted to blog about and that just doesn't happen anymore. I have things I know I should write about mainly so that I remember them later.
I'm feeling super lazy and introvert-ish and lacking in motivation lately.
I tend to get this way in the winter so that's not really new I guess.
It's super cold today and we all have the day off...Frank was like "what are we going to do that fun today?" and all I felt was dread. HA! I just want to stay inside!  But we are going axe throwing (indoor activity for the win!) so that'll will actually be fun I'm sure. Frank hasn't done something this physical since his shoulder surgery so we'll see how much fun he actually has...or if his shoulder yells at him afterwards.
It's the time of year for a little introspection and goal making. I have a little book that I keep in my Christmas stocking in which I write goals for the next year and then when we put out the stockings at the end of the year, I can see how it went.  Up until this year (I have done it maybe 3 years now) I forget that little book exists and I am totally surprised by the goals I set because I wrote them in December and basically never thought of them again. Not great goal setting, I realize.
So this year I wrote a few things down after evaluating how last year went.  And then, to be different and hopefully better, I wrote them in my phone as well!  So, hey, maybe I'll actually work on them this year.

Here are my goals for 2019. I'm sure I'll have more as the year goes along but this is my starting place:
Bear my testimony at least twice this year in sacrament meeting (I'm sure I'll do it more than that in Sunday School, since I teach)
Go to the temple monthly (minimum of 12 times this year)
Re-read the Book Of Mormon, continuing to underline certain topics that I choose
Exercise Regularly (this one will need some definition but it's a start)
Read Ensign cover to cover each month
Save money (amount to be determined)

Most of them are obviously spiritual goals, which is honestly the most important thing to do.  I also want to do better at taking care of my physical body so I will sit down and make some plans in that direction soon.

It's always good to do a little introspection. I tend to end up feeling bad about myself...I am hard on myself in general. So I'm working on that.  Introspection without beating myself up.

Boooooring

I don't really blog anymore and I really do have a few things to blog about!
I went to Alaska and saw Branden, and Amber and the kids. I loved it and although we didn't do anything earth shattering, we did have a fun time together and I need to write it down so I remember.
My Alaska kids went through an earthquake! It was crazy and scary and they did so great.  But I worry.
I went to Hawaii. Yes, that is the second time so that is pretty lucky.  It was fun and warm and relaxing. We did some stuff.  Need to write it down.
I started the pantry and, well, it's not done yet. I have feelings and thoughts about this as well, as you might imagine.
I put up some of my christmas decorations, but not very many. The house feels kind of torn apart so I just didn't feel up to the whole thing. But I did put my "outdoor" tree in the house this year (it's right by the kitchen table really). I put some decorations on it that I haven't used in years and, even though I kind of miss having a tree on my back porch, I love having this tree in the house.  So that's fun.
Kinda boring though.
I'm kinda boring and have been for years.
I like it though, I'll be honest.
I've been binge watching Parenthood and I'm trying to read the entire Book of Mormon before the end of December.  These are the things I do with my free time.
I will still blog those things I mentioned before...eventually. (hopefully before the end of the year...so that's a goal)
That's it.

Biting the bullet

That is a weird saying and I don't know where it comes from.  I will have to google that.

I did it, though. I bit the bullet and decided to build the pantry!

I'm excited and scared that I will have buyers remorse (but so much worse) after it is done.
The wall is up and I have already noticed that when I work in the kitchen I am used to looking outside through the front room window, which is now not visible.  I will have to put up a nice picture or something on that wall I guess. :-P

The front room looks so different with a wall there but I still enjoy that room just as much as in the past. Well, currently it's in disarray and dusty, so not that enjoyable, but I know that I will enjoy it when it goes back to it's original state.

I moved my yellow dresser as well as the table and chairs into the basement for a new area for game playing. We don't use our basement a whole heck of a lot really other than Frank's office so if we actually go down there to play games, that will be good.  Or we might just use the dining table for games now, which I will admit we have done many times in the past even when we had the other dining room available.

I moved my buffet from the dining room to the entryway. I like it there (but I would like it anywhere because it's my favorite!) but now I have a blue rug and a blue buffet in the entryway which might not be my favorite. We'll see.

I am imagining putting so many different things in this pantry that I might actually have trouble fitting it all, even though it's a pretty big room (for a closet).

Now I'm trying to decide if I should keep the pantry doors white or paint them some fun color.
_____

From Wikepedia:

To "bite the bullet" is to endure a painful or otherwise unpleasant situation that is seen as unavoidable.^[1] The phrase was first recorded by Rudyard Kipling in his 1891 novel The Light that Failed.^[1]

It was suggested by the movie Bite the Bullet that biting the bullet meant using a shell casing to cover an aching tooth, especially one that had been broken, and where a nerve is exposed. In the film, the slug was removed from the bullet, the cap was hit to expend that charge, and the casing was cut down to allow it to sit level with the other teeth.

It is often stated that it is derived historically from the practice of having a patient clench a bullet in his or her teeth as a way to cope with the extreme pain of a surgical procedure without anesthetic, though evidence for biting a bullet rather than a leather strap during surgery is sparse.^[1] It has been speculated to have evolved from the British empire expression "to bite the cartridge", which dates to the Indian Rebellion of 1857, but the phrase "chew a bullet", with a similar meaning, dates to at least 1796.^[1]

Sunday Musings

It's Sunday afternoon and I just finished watching conference.  It was a good conference and I really love President Russell M Nelson.  He seems so down to earth and friendly but at the same time, I can just feel it when he speaks prophetically.

Yesterday we watched conference with both the Peterson family and the Peters family as well as Carter who came down from college. It was so much fun to be with the old friends from Massachusetts. They feel so much like family now and I miss our regular get-togethers. But the Petersons are in Logan and the Peters are now in Arizona so we can see them somewhat frequently.   We barbecued and chatted and played games and did puzzles and watched conference of course! It was a great day.

Today we went to Doneen and Alan's for conference. Carter insisted multiple times that  we should go there so I asked her and she was happy to have us. Turns out she has a tradition of making homemade cinnamon rolls on conference Sunday which Carter knew. Smart kid!  Anyway, it was nice to be with family and the cinnamon roll was AMAZING (as expected).

Mom talked her herself the whole time as usual but stopped talking completely during President Jeffrey R. Holland's talk. I always always love his talks. I can feel his testimony so strongly and I am always touched when he speaks. Anyway, that felt like a little miracle to me! Mom was totally calm.
I hate that she is just so stressed and unhappy these days. It's bad enough to see her with dementia but to see her being so full of bad feelings and thoughts is especially hard. I know it is a somewhat common thing for people with dementia to get suspicious and anxious but its really hard to watch.

Now Frank is off for a little "me time" since he has Monday off (no one else does). He's headed to Southern Utah for some 4-wheeling or hiking or something fun like that. So, now I am home alone thinking deep thoughts and watching crappy tv.  I know those two things seem incompatible but, for me, they are not.

Just for fun, here are the shows I currently watch whenever Frank is away (never when he's here because he would hate them):
The Good Place-love this show! Frank actually didn't hate this one. He watched season 1. But so far I have watched the first two episodes without him. oops.
American Housewife-didn't really like this one at first, it's a little overdone or something but it's just one that I keep watching. And somehow I enjoy it. ha!
This Is Us- I mean, obviously. It's awesome.  But honestly I watch the funny shows first.
Parenthood-I binge watch this one.  The others are being recorded on my DVR so I can only watch one episode at a time.

One of the things we were challenged to do during conference was to take a 10 day social media fast. I started today and, although I knew I had a problem, it has been so hard already. In moments of quiet I reach for my phone without thinking and try to go to Facebook.  I put the social media apps on Time Limit on my phone so that they are greyed out. It's scary how often I start to go there!  I'm sure the next 10 days will be eye opening for me.  And hopefully I will be a little better off afterwards.  I know most of us these days have some kind of phone "problem" and I am no different. I can't really use it at work so that helps me to keep from becoming too addicted, hopefully. But at home I'm looking at my phone too much. Usually reading news and getting all worked up about Trump which is definitely not healthy.

In other news, Ryan moved back to Utah! He's only been here a couple of days but I'm excited to have him closer. He is job and apartment hunting currently.  I'm hoping we can do a weekly lunch or something like that once he's settled. OK, he might not want weekly...but something regular. A mom can dream, right?

The dilemma

I know I have too many house projects rolling around in my head at any one time.
But we are at a point right now where we can tackle one of them.
Just one.
If I had to pick a project based on life improvement or how much I want it done, I would definitely choose between getting a new bathroom vanity or fixing the laundry room.
However, the thing that drives Frank the most nuts for some reason is the living room/dining room carpet.  It is disgusting, for sure: totally stained and nasty looking.  But its not one of the areas in our house where we spend a lot of time so it's not really on the top of my list. I use the bathroom and laundry room every single day!
Anyway, Frank has been lobbying to get new carpet in the front room pretty much since we moved in. I have refused to spend money on that because I don't want carpet at all!  I want hard wood floors someday so I'd rather save that money and put it towards the hard woods. So now he is saying we could just put the floors in the front part of the house as our next project.

Here's where it gets tricky.

We definitely could do that plan. Put hard wood floors just in the living room and dining room. We would do the entryway later when we do the rest of the house. The living room is a sunken living room so it has a natural separation.
The dining room, however, is a tiny little room off of the living room. Big enough for a small round table and 4 chairs but that's it.  I don't even think its fair to call it a dining room.
We have used it as a game room where we play cards.
The previous owners used it as an office but I wasn't all that excited to have an office space that was the first thing you see when entering the house.
It's a cute little room, if not that useful anymore, now that it's just Frank and I the majority of the time.

Here is a bad picture showing the location of the dining room in question. I didn't turn the lights on at the time so it's the dark space back there on the right.

Here we are playing cards back in the good ol' days.

Lately my brain has been thinking that maybe we should just wall this room off and make it into a big pantry. I could bring in my deep freezer out of the garage (more room for parking and easier access to food) and move all of the various bulky kitchen appliances into this little room. My current kitchen cabinets  don't really have space for the various  things like mixer, crock pot, instant pot, electric griddle etc that one has in a kitchen so they are currently being stored in a closet in my laundry room. Thus contributing to the laundry room issues.  I would have plenty of space for any dry good, canned good and whatnot as well.  It would be a huge pantry though it's a small dining room.

What I wouldn't have is a dining room/game room.
I also wouldn't have a direct connection from the kitchen to the front of the house. We can currently walk through a door from the kitchen into the dining room/living room. The living room would become a completely separate space.

If I were going to put the house up for sale I would leave it as is. But this is not a "resale value" decision for me. I plan to stay here long term.

Still, I don't know what to do!

If I am going to eventually make a pantry, it makes sense to do it now before putting in hard wood floors. I certainly don't need hard wood floors in my pantry.

So, basically, I am taking what Frank considers a simple project (have someone come install floors in 2 rooms) and making it a big construction project (install a wall, possibly move some doors, put in shelving etc).

Nothing is simple when I'm involved.

And I still don't even know if I should do it!  Help!

Just a little bit nuts

So, I have started going to therapy.

Anyone who knows me well will probably not be too surprised to hear this and will possibly be clapping right now saying "finally!"

But it was time.  I've noticed my anxiety getting a bit out of control lately so I decided to do something about it.

My therapist or counselor or whatever it is that I'm supposed to call him has coined a word that Frank and I have started using in our daily life now.

The word is "awfulizing"

(not sure how it is supposed to be spelled though since it's a fake word).
It means, as you might guess, making everything more awful in your head than it really is.

We quite enjoy pointing out to each other whenever we are awfulizing something.

I awfulize a lot, which is why I'm in therapy.
Frank awfulizes differently than me but he still does it and I have gotten a kick out of letting him know when it's happening.

So, basically, even if I never get better and therapy is a bust, I have a new word to use and a new way of entertaining myself.

I think I just positivized.

Shoulder Surgery

Last Friday, Frank had surgery to repair a shoulder tear. I don't remember where exactly the tear was, just that it wasn't the rotator cuff (like his left shoulder had).

The surgery went well and we are now almost a week post op.

Frank was nervous about this surgery mostly because he has had shoulder surgery previously and remembers how bad recovery is.  But so far, this one is going much better. 

First it was a simpler repair, apparently. Meaning a shorter recovery, less pain and starting physical therapy sooner.

The pain has been significantly less!  This has been a really awesome surprise.

He is already doing some stuff (not really using the shoulder but he can use that hand, which was not the case for quite some time with his last surgery)

The only real "issue" has been that Frank is not a sit around and heal kind of guy. He is freaking ANTSY and wants to go do stuff.

I, on the other hand, have no problem sitting around and don't get bored doing so. I just keep reminding him that he is supposed to be healing and taking it easy.  He generally complies but he is getting crankier as the days go by.

I keep offering to take him to Dairy Queen for a dip cone but somehow that isn't the adventure he is hoping for.  If he had his way we'd probably be driving to Moab already and he'd be saying he can certainly go four-wheeling with only one hand on the wheel.  Heaven help me.